Writing Prompt Challenge #5: Dear Santa

This writing prompt was provided by Gideon:

Calvin, of Calvin & Hobbs fame, put an advertisement in the paper, advertising for a new dad, with specific specifications.

Happy reading!

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Instead of the usual letter, I have saved all my pocket money in order to take out this ad in the newspaper. Your performance over recent Christmases has been average, at best, and I thought perhaps that this would be a better way to get your attention.

Without further ado:

For Christmas this year I would like:

• A new bike (one like Jeremy's, not one like Mike's)
• The latest PlayStation (and no, I won't have more fun "playing outside", I will have more fun if I can choose to play outside or pretend to shoot people in the head)
• 1,000 marbles (for pranking purposes)
• An additional father

Allow me to explain that last one in more detail. My current father is perfectly acceptable, but I find his habit of going off to work every day rather irritating. He is also rather attached to ideas that I find old-fashioned like 'chores' and 'responsibility,' so for Christmas I would like a second father to be provided who meets these specifications:

1. He must have no job at present, but I expect him to have had a very exciting past as a lion tamer or fighter pilot or professional wrestler. He must tell stories about his exciting past that are NOT repetitive and that are NOT thinly veiled lessons in why I should pick my clothes up off the floor.
2. His favorite word should be 'Yes.' He can use other words too, of course, as long as they all have a 'yes' context. E.g., "Yes, you can have more ice cream," and "Yes, you'll make an excellent lion tamer/fighter pilot/professional wrestler."
3. He will not, ever, say any of the following:
   1. "How was school today?" This is a meaningless question, and nobody cares about the answer.
      1. Instead, he will ask questions like, "If a dragon had attacked your class at 10:30 this morning, who would have been eaten first and why?"
   2. "You'll understand when you're older." This is annoying. Either explain it to me now, or admit that you don't understand it either.
   3. "Because I said so." This is not a reason. If you don't have a good reason for telling me to do something, then I have no reason at all to actually do it.
   4. "Ask your mother." All sensible fathers should assume that this avenue of inquiry has already been exhausted if the question has made it as far as them.
   5. "When I was your age. . ." These sorts of stories are filled with irrelevant data points from a time before PlayStations and I fail to see how your stone age experiences relate to my current life.
4. Finally, he will attend all of my school and sports events, come running immediately when I call, and just generally be available to do as I tell him.

This ad is getting expensive, so I'll end the list here. I look forward to your timely response to my demands.

Yours,

Calvin